I've been struggling for some time with attending church. I've been going every week for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up, there was absolutely no excuse for missing mass. If you were too"sick", then you were too ill to do anything except stay in bed all Sunday. This was particularly difficult when my mom and her sister planned an all day trip to downtown Chicago!
As an adult, I forced my children to go…I thought I was doing the right thing. But lately I just wonder. Why go to mass? For the community some may say….but I know no one there. My community has a small mass and dinner once each month and I love it. To be in God's presence say others…but I can tell you that I feel God's presence all of the time, especially when I sit on my porch and look out to the woods. Prayer seems to come automatically at those times…not rote prayers, but authentic talking about what's in my heart. To receive Eucharist…I don't know what I believe here, but I don't feel differently after receiving.
On the other hand, when I go to church I am very often saddened and angry by the use of male terms for everything…even for women…the supposedly all inclusive male term is used so much that it is difficult for me to believe that these men know that we women were made in God's image and likeness also. The liturgy is ritualized and rote. The songs are old and ponderous. The homilies often pointless.
I realize that this is all me at the moment…how I feel, what I am feeling. So after much prayer and reading, I am taking a break from church. I will go to "little church" (the gathering referenced above) because that is truly where I hear God's word and see it in action. I don't know what I expect from this experiment, but I do know I need to do it. I need to find out what I believe in. I need to know why going to church brings me so little peace, while sitting on my porch surrounds me with peace and presence.
I haven't tried this experiment before because I could always hear my mom in my head…."Go to church!", she says in her very own commanding way. But at 68 years old, I think it may be time to go it on my own. I trust in God's love and firmly believe that God is okay with my trials and errors. After all, I am loved unconditionally and this is something that holds me together and will see me through this perplexing time.
